How to Move Across the Country in 5 Simple Steps

Moving is stressful no matter how you slice it, and when you add a few hundred miles on top of everything it gets even crazier! Never fear, as I, your (totally qualified) life guru will lead you through the wilderness and into your new home with ease! Here are 5 simple steps to put the fun in moving your entire li[f]e across the co[u][n]try.

Step 1:  THROW AWAY ALL YOUR SHIT. Don’t donate it, don’t pack it, and for god’s sake don’t ship it. Just get rid of it all! My preferred method is chaotically dumping all of my belongings and memories into an incinerator, but if you don’t have one handy, you can just chuck it out of a window. You may get fined for littering but you can’t put a price on a new lease on life. (However, littering fines are up to $500 so keep that in mind.)

Step 2: FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE. This is step is important, but easy to forget which is why it’s step 2 instead of step 1. Sure, it’s cool to brag about moving out of your shitty hometown, but don’t forget that once your lease is up, you’re actually going to have to find a place to sleep. If sleeping under bridges or Starbucks bathrooms isn’t your thing, my recommendation would be to search Craiglist for a cheap apartment and hope the neighborhood has a low murder rate!

Step 3: FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THERE. This will depend a lot on how far your move actually is but may I suggest walking or paddleboarding? What a way to start fresh! Just like our forefathers did, am I right guys?

Step 4: MOVE TO THAT PLACE. Once you’ve scammed your way into a lease, you get to actually live there! Yay! Read the fine print so you know what day you get to move all your shit in and then just show up, I guess. If you arrive and the previous tenants are still there, make sure to assert your dominance by making unbroken eye contact until they decide to leave.

Step 5: LET GO OF YOUR PAST. The first thing you want to do upon arrival in your new homeland is burn literally every bridge you made at your old one. “Sorry mom and dad, but this relationship has come to an end. I’m on to bigger and better things, losers.” Use aggressive avoidance behaviors to make sure everyone from your past forgets you! Ghost them, bread-crumb them, block them—write a fake threat to the nearest airport and get them on a No Fly list if you have to. Destroy all virtual and physical remnants of your old life and you’re ready to go and enjoy your new city!

That’s all my advice! You’re totally welcome, and enjoy your new life!



(Ed. note: this is Caitlin & Tyler at the apartment we moved across the country to!!! Look how cute we are!!! Don’t stalk us!)

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