October Horoscopes

Alrighty ladies and a few gentlemen, let’s do this. It’s officially Spooky Season, and I hope you’re all acting accordingly by stepping on leaves, picking out pumpkins, scaring the living shit out of your friends and relatives, etc. There’s lots of spooky movies on Netflix and pumpkin spiced things to be consumed. Hit up ya horoscopes, and keep ya eyes peeled for a bonus horoscope post this month for a ~halloween edition~ but for now this is all you get.



You’ve got mail! Tom Hanks! In your mailbox! How’d he get in there?


As our Lorde and savior says in her hit song Still Sane, “Only bad people live to see their likeness set in stone.” That hasn’t stopped you from building a monument to yourself over the past month. While it’s great to bask in your accomplishments every once in a while, your neighbors are complaining, and you’re not exactly Leonardo da Vinci, dude.


How dare you even ask. Move along.


You’re gonna smell really good. Like all month. Stardust bloomin’ in you and stuff. You can skip the Lush trip this month.


Don’t look now– oh my god I said DON’T look– oh my god COVER UP THE SCREEN IF YOU HAVE TO you’re EMBARRASSING ME. Okay, fine, well if you’re gonna be awkward about it I’m just gonna move on.




Happy birthday! This is all you get.


This month will be plagued by indecision and doubt. You may feel lost and unable to find yourself and the right way forward. But when life gets you down, remember this:




Happy pumpkin spice month! This month, indulge in your favorite candles, lattes, and all things comfor-

We hope you enjoyed your free trial of Horoscopes! To continue reading your horoscope, subscribe for the low price of $9.95/month, payable to the writer of this post (who just paid rent and lemme tell ya… she could use the boost.)


Oh my god. This is so embarrassing. I’m– oh my god this is SO annoying but like– ughhhh oh my god, I’m blushing, you can totally tell I’m blushing. Anyway….. oh my goddd…. I was just wondering if you wanted to maybe hang out this weekend? If you’re not doing anything? You’re probably doing something. Shit. Um. Anyway, I gotta finish writing these horoscopes. Never mind!


This month, you’re going to ascend to a higher dimension. Exciting stuff! Upward advancement is every dreamer’s path, and this is the month you leave behind all of the stress and strangeness of this plane and expand your consciousness in another. Neat!



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