September Horoscopes


All right homies, y’all know what time it is. It’s Virgo season. And you know what that means? Okay great because I don’t and sometimes you gotta let your readers fill in the blanks for themselves. I’m pushing you to expect more from yourselves, okay? Just skip to the part that has your own sign, that’s what you’re here for. Don’t look at me.


This month will be a period of major change for you. Mostly nickels.




I don’t have time for this.


You will experience a major confrontation this month. There are many forms this could result in, be it emotional, physical, professional, etc. It could be with a family member, a significant other, a co-worker, anybody, so you gotta be ready at all times. It would be helpful this month to have a companion on whom you can depend to back you up in situations that might result in conflict. Might I suggest my friend here?



This is a good time for you to make an investment. You’ve worked hard and now the stars want to help you reap what you sow. There’s lots of things you could possibly invest in that would return a great deal of profit/opportunities/karma. Stock markets… new businesses… a 22-year-old comedy writer who’s typing this all from a coffee shop in Chicago, Illinois and would really like a little extra income to help with bills… you know, there’s all sorts of stuff. I have Venmo.


Happy birthday! You recently received the benefit of your sign falling in the total eclipse of recent past. Come to think of it, you have a lot in common with the eclipse. Not totally understood by the average citizen. Can get really dark. Causes blindness when witnessed with the naked eye. See how you can take this and let it inspire you to move through the rest of your cycle.


You’ve been talking about founding your own religion forever, isn’t it about time you started manifesting that into reality? Enough talk, especially as Libra season lingers on the horizon later this month, which is heightening your influential-ness. Create a sacred text or consider finding one already out there and borrowing from it (last week’s issue of The New Yorker, Grapes of Wrath, the Bible, whatever). Remember that holding onto a congregation of your own takes dedication and charisma, so make sure you’ve got plenty of both and get started.


Jupiter’s in your somethin house, and that means it’s a good time to move your relationship forward. A good way to do this is to tell your partner you’re pregnant. You don’t necessarily have to be, but if you are, yeah, you should probably get that out of the way. And if you’re not, what a great time to test your relationship! It’s fool-proof.




Quit your job! Do it. Quit your job. Quit. Quit your job. Quit your job. Quiiiit. Quit it. Quit your job. Quit your job. Quit your job. Quit. Quit. Quit. Quit. Quit your job. Quit. Quit your job. Qui


Here you go.


As Mercury’s retrograde finally ends, we– okay, hang on, I want to talk about something. I feel like Mercury is almost always in a god damn retrograde. Every time I check it seems to be anyway. Apparently it’s not but I really enjoy having the period of time that I can blame all of my mistakes on Mercury. It feels like consequences don’t really exist for my actions once the retrograde passes. Is that how it works? Help me out Pisces or else we’re gonna keep playin ourselves.



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