I love a good challenge. As a self-proclaimed strong, independent woman, I’ll seize any opportunity to reiterate that as a woman, I am ready to rise to any challenge. Anything. And if that challenge involves confusing unsuspecting men within an 18 mile radius of me at any given moment, so be it.
Let’s backtrack. Hopefully a lot of you have seen Master of None, the gift none of us could have possibly deserved from comedic genius Aziz Ansari. If you’re not, the show chronicles many awkward and hilarious (and sometimes very, very sad) happenings in the life of young-ish adult Dev, played by Ansari, and a recurring theme is his trysts on dating apps. In one episode, Dev mentions that he has a pickup line that he uses for every single girl.
“Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?”
Completely ignoring the fact that this did not work out for Dev, like at all, in any way, and the fact that I have never set foot in a Whole Foods because I fear hipsters, I thought it would be a fun experiment to try it out. For kicks, I downloaded Bumble. I decided to use Bumble for this specific experiment because their schtick is ladies message first. That way, I could eliminate the possibility that the man would beat me to the punch with a “sup bitch” or “tits?” or “I’m looking for a girl with nice feet” (all things I have seen).
To be transparent, I’ll let you know that I sent this line to… at least 70 guys. I just kind of started swiping and couldn’t stop, and suddenly I was overwhelmed. Don’t freak, I’m not going to post every single interaction on here. I will however, post the highlights. Some got the reference, but many were just… very taken aback. And then there were those that just…. Well, you can read it.
I don’t have time for innuendos. The environment is at stake.
Unfortunately, the only muffins they had were made with cat tears. Whole Foods is weird.
For some reason I don’t think Whole Foods carries that champagne of beers, but I don’t know where fuckboys hang out these days.
He never told me.
Have you ever seen a hipster take a multivitamin? I have not.
And, finally, a few that have a little experience in the challenge:
Anyway, in the end, I think it’s a good line. I really can’t think of anything more interesting to send to a stranger on the internet. People really like to make gluten-free jokes, which I’m into. It has a really high response rate, if that’s what you’re after, which I am, because I love attention. I recommend trying it out– and feel free to send me the ridiculous things that you will inevitably get in return.