Y’all didn’t think I was just gonna NOT do horoscopes, did you?
For those of you who are new to our site, I’m casually hyper connected with the universe and all of its fluctuations, undulations, preconceptions and what have you, and monthly horoscopes are kind of my shit. I’m super good at them and they are VERY helpful. For those of you that don’t remember, let’s get one thing straight: nothing is different this go-round if you’re a Gemini.
There’s a good chance you’ve had a faint ringing in your ears for a while now, and you’ve been wondering what it means, is it a sign, should you see a doctor, etc. Well, good news! It’s permanent. It’s a sign that you’re gonna be irritated for the rest of your natural life, and who knows how long beyond that. Good luck!
If you’ve ever wanted a pet, now might be the right time to invest in one. The stars are in your Responsibility & Adulthood house. Something small to start, like a fish, or a snake, or a very tiny bug. Don’t get the bug and the snake though. That won’t go well.
How dare you come into my house and expect that anything has changed. I still hate you.
Hey, I actually really appreciate you coming by. So uh…. this is so awkward, I don’t know where to start…. see, the thing is…. um…. you should probably…. you know what? Let’s talk about this later, actually. Yeah, don’t worry about it. It’s nothing.
A new relationship is on the horizon! And by relationship, I mean you guys will text pretty frequently for a couple of weeks, you’ll hang out in a group and it will be awkward, you’ll finally ask if they want to hang out alone, you do a couple of times and after a few times you’ll start to wonder, “Are they into me? Am I making that up?” and you’ll quietly wonder if you should say something or if you should just be “cool” and “go with it” until eventually you both get tired of not knowing what the fuck is going on so you start arguing over weird shit and one of you hooks up with the other’s friend and then never speak again.
Have you seen my red shirt? You know the one with the pocket on the front? I wore it like three days ago, and I need it to– oh, no, I found it, it’s in your closet, bitch. I thought I told you to stop fucking taking my–
You know, you keep coming here and asking if I remember you, and I honestly– I don’t think we’ve ever actually met. I’m sorry. Maybe I was drunk or something but I really have no idea who you are so can you like… get out of my house?
Your New Year’s Resolution was to get into better shape, so I hope you’ve been stretching, Aquarius! Because the End of Days is comin’, and you’ve been foretold to lead us in the Great War! Add a couple of pounds onto those dumbbells, because we have no idea when it’s coming but that it’s coming fast, and you have to be ready, or you’ll let all of humanity die!
Hey friends. As usual, as this is my own sign, I use the powers of the cosmos to will my own goals into fruition. So uh… this month… WordPress will be cheaper, you’ll get more tips at work, and everything is going to be FINE.