Welcome to With Consideration’s Lies I’ve Told! Where I reminisce on the good times… and the lies and schemes that came with them. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent (or sometimes guilty) but everything else is 100% true cross my heart and hope to die.
Alright friends, close your eyes and let’s go on a little journey. The year is 2004. Our hero (me, in case you were wondering) is in the fourth grade, as evidenced by my lopsided ponytail and unironic Bratz t-shirt. Life is so sweet at this tender young age; no bills, no responsibilities, no drama. Unless, of course, your name is Tyler Nicole Brockington. In which case, you’ll find it your moral obligation to create turmoil in instances where none exist, like a human tornado being spun out of lies. And it’s on one ill-fated Monday morning that this tornado touches down on the unsuspecting students of Washington Middle School.
Off the top of your head, name the best thing that could ever happen to a fourth grader-I’ll wait. Got it yet? Three words: Scholastic. Book. Fair. I can sense all of you nodding your heads in agreement. That’s right, the yearly pop up shop of kids books and other novelties was coming to my school and I just about lost my shit. When they announce the book fair, they also give you a little pamphlet with all the titles and toys that are included that year, so you can circle what you want and guilt your parents for money in advance. Eagerly, I flipped through the pages and stumbled upon one item that I was certain would change my life forever. This self determination was found in the form of a cluster of jelly bracelets adorned with beads. Serving absolutely no purpose I knew I had to have them! How else would all of the other kids know I was better than them without some lead-poisoned rope on my wrists?!
So, after setting sights on my target, the next hurdle would be the “how”. Before the trolls rise from the depths of the internet telling me to just ask my parents I DID, OKAY?! And guess what? D.J. Brockington was not about to waste $4.99 on some chunk of rubber and said I was to buy books or nothing at all. Naturally, this deterred me until I remembered… LYING EXISTS! I could have my cake and eat it too by buying the Captain Underpants books my mom agreed to and scamming some 9 year old snot picker into getting the bracelets for me.
Enter: Kathleen. Kathleen was nothing short of a sweet baby angel sent from Heaven to bring joy to all around her and she was my best friend. And because nine year old me was arguably a sociopath I decided there was no better victim for my scheme. Kathleen came from what I perceived as a wealthy family, so I figured a little Robin Hooding on my part wouldn’t be so bad (I am still to this day unclear whether I was Robin Hood or the villain in the situation). But then, another hurdle: How could I convince Kathleen it was in her best interest to buy me this bracelet? Tell her the truth since she’s my best friend and would probably gift it to me if I asked? My 9 year old self said fuck that. After ten minutes contemplation, I devised a harrowing tale of desperation centered around bullying that meant if Kathleen didn’t buy me those lil jelly rings I was in for a world of pain from some fictional mean girls. Obviously, she bought it because I ain’t no rookie.
Well, life was great for one T. N. Brockington for some time after that. I wore my bracelets with pride, making sure to use extra hand gestures as a constant reminder to the plebes of WMS that I was a tween of a certain caliber! This power trip lasted for approximately two days until I arrived home to my mother waiting at the door, phone in hand. My fight or flight kicked in immediately but since I was only about 100 pounds and she’d been running recently, and I knew I couldn’t take her.
“That was Kathleen’s mom on the phone just now. Did you tell Kathleen you were being bullied so she would buy you that bracelet?”
Since my lying skills only extended to kids my age I grudgingly confessed and accepted my punishment. The bracelets were given to Kathleen as a peace offering, and I got a spanking that I still feel if I sit the wrong way. Somehow Kathleen and I remained friends until we went to different middle schools and I hear she’s happily engaged now so all’s well that ends well I guess.